Today

On Friday August 28, I went to work. I work in a small bar where just about everybody knows everybody else. Of course they know me, I'm the barmaid but a lot of them also know Brent. Brent actually works for one of our patrons. I had conjured up a story to explain the massive bruising to my eye and face the day before. Thursday had been incredibly windy with strong westerlies. I decided to tell everyone that my car door had been caught by the wind and had smashed into my face as I was getting out of my car. I knew that many would suspect the truth, but I felt sure they wouldn't question me too intensely. And of course they didn't. After telling my story to everyone who walked in the door I think I almost began to believe it myself, until one guy, Brent's boss actually, said, "I would've hit you again!" I replied only that it wasn't funny, but inwardly I screamed and felt so awful about what I was actually doing to myself. I believe that Brent's boss was totally unaware of the situation but I felt abused once again.

I didn't realise it at the time, but today I can see that the little child in me must have been screaming to hear that once again I had taken the blame and had refused to stick up for myself. I imagined that it would have been like standing in front of my daughter and making her take the blame for someone abusing her so badly. I could and probably would kill anyone who did that to her and yet I was totally unaware of what I was and had been doing to myself for years.

I can see now that I have gone out of my way to make my inner self invisible, while at the same time screaming that I'm not!